Friday, July 13, 2018

Happy In Hell By John Patrick Robbins

It was a hot day in July and being writing didn't pay the bills and the bottle had her needs I was here yet again busting my ass.

And with any group of drunks the morning after made crabby bastards even out of the best of us let alone someone who hated people as much as I.

"Fuck It's hot as hell today ain't it brother"?

Scotty said.
And unlike me  and Jerry he usually had enough fire water in him the hangover hadn't been kicking his ass like it was us.

"Fuck I wish I just had stayed at home today is going to suck ".

Jerry said.

"Goddamn Jerry all you ever want to do is sit on your ass how the fuck you afford weed is beyond me motherfucker ".


"Cause your his dealer you dumbass fuck,  half the time he's just working to pay off his debt ".

Scotty and Jerry both laughed at that one.

"Fucking John's grouchy today probably cause he didn't jerk off this morning ".

All the years I had worked for Scotty it never failed that he had to mention jerking off at least once in a conversation and his strange obsession  about if me or my fellow coworker had or hadn't jerked off today.

And although I was miserable as hell my friend and boss who looked like Kenny Rogers on steroids never failed to crack me up.

We were in Virginia beach building a garage the old lady who hired us would come out from time to time listen to us bickering back and forth shake her head and laugh.

"You boys fuss more than a married couple I swear sometimes I wonder if your going to get into a real fight".

"Don't worry miss Vogel were just joking besides these boys are like my kids they know I love them".


Jerry just looked at me and shook his head.

Scotty was the biggest bullshit artist and con man I knew.
He busted his ass in talking finding every excuse in the book to have to leave the job.

While me and Jerry did a majority of the work.

Then come pay day he found every excuse in the book to short us but few jobs could you catch a buzz and dick around like we did.

The day was moving slow I was sweating the past nights drinks off I felt like death and probably resembled it as well.

I went to the cooler we were out of beer once even though I wasn't a fan I was in need of at the moment.

It was almost twelve.

"Scotty we got to make a beer run dude unless you want me to knock off ".

"Yeah too hot not to have any beer you got any money".

"No I figured we would hang outside the seven eleven let Jerry jerk guys off till we had enough to buy a case jackass ".

"Damn we better knock off before the grinch blows a gasket Jerry Lee".

"Scotty can you loan me ten bucks "

"Damn Jerry I just gave you twenty five bucks two days ago,
what you do with all your money spend it on crack "?

"I will spot you ten Jerry lets just get going for fucks sake".

I had no patience anymore and even though I over the years had lent Jerry more than I could recall never seeing a dime back.

I truly could have cared less I had no patience in the heat and especially hung over .

We rolled up leaving only are tool bags on the job .
Went to the closest gas station grabbed a case and parked at the beach.

There we sat on the tailgate drinking cold millers and watching the one perk of working at the beach.

Virginia beach was a tourist trap but there was some great sights on the beach today women from all over the globe barely clothed in all shapes and sizes.

The beer was cold the sights were good.

"Damn look at the ass on that one damn I love a big old fat butt".
Scotty said as he laughed I couldn't argue with the man we both preferred are woman thick.

Jerry just laughed and lit yet another cigarette.

"Hey look Jerry there's more your type over there building a sandcastle ".

Scotty busted up laughing as Jerry always had a track record for dating younger girls he may be broke but he always drew them in like flies.

"Fuck you John your such a dick"!

"Yeah but a dick that bought the beer so drink up sweetheart you can pay me later".

"Damn John you ain't right ".
Scotty said as he reached in the cooler for yet another.

"I swear you two are like my retarded sons I love the broke writer is looked to for the refreshments ".

"Hey we know how being broke inspires you artist, so we try to keep you that way so people one day will be calling you a genius ".

Jerry said as killed the last if his beer making a face like he just tasted poison.

"Damn how you drink this shit ".

"Yeah it's a little ruff but I'm more amazed how you party everyday on someone else's dime".

We sat there for awhile drinking looking at women and talking shit as always.

Three friends who shared a passion for a good time.

We lived hard and played hard.

"Boys it's hot as hell let's just go home besides I hate beer I'm  ready for a cocktail".

Scotty was done for the day and honestly so was I.

We watched as a blonde in a white bikini went running by everything bounced and jiggled in all the right places.

It was hotter than hell today and so was she.


We worked hard at finding a reason to always not do just that.

We were brothers in hell and they say the devil always looks after his own.

We didn't get back home till the sun was meeting a new day.

It took a lot of dedication to be drunks like us.

And from that view of that beautiful body running  along the shoreline that day I was happy in hell at least for awhile.


About John Patrick Robbins: 
John Patrick Robbins is the editor and chief of the Rye Whiskey Review.
He is also a full time drinker and writer whose work is often bar influenced and a hundred percent unfiltered.

His work has been published here at the Dope Fiend Daily , Synchronized Chaos, Romingos Porch , Red Fez, Horror Sleaze Trash , Piker Press , Boned Magazine , Inbetween Hangover , Blue Pepper , Rasputin, Your One Phone Call , Academy Of The Heart And Mind , Angry Old Man Magazine , Outlaw Poetry Network , Spill The Words , Five Two Poetry, Blognostics.

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