Answer:
My wife is quite the stickler so I wear nipple clamps most the time. And certainly not just around the house. I wear nipple clamps in public because the 60s said it was good to share. My wife started me off with a starter set of clothespins but they hurt my nipples so much when I was lactating that we switched when we jumped above the poverty line and could afford proper nipple clamps. Now I feel like a real professional. Sometimes I make my own cubicle out of boxes so I can sit in it all day being professional. The silverfish that fall out of the boxes from storage are my friends and colleagues. I name them and we go to lunch together. Share water cooler gossip and compliment my brand new shiny nipple clamps.
Question 2: What is your favorite sex toy?
Answer:
My favourite sex toy is the step ladder in the garage. It is taller than I am but we make things work. I used to dry hump an old flashlight but the batteries would always fall out and then it broke after I taped it to a blue miner’s cap and went digging for China in the back garden. My neighbour’s garden. They chased me off so I keep to myself now. I’m shy, but my step ladder is a Taurus so we can’t keep our hands off each other astrologically speaking. Which reminds me, I should probably mention at this juncture that this is not my home planet. Where I come from probing is as natural as Wonder Bread. We are a very sensual peoples. I have more than ten erogenous zones in just my ankle alone. When my ankle dry humps my step ladder we watch the movie Ghost. Magical evenings for sure!
Question 3: How is your band called The Beatles been doing?
Answer:
We recently broke up after one of our members became a Walrus and another moved to a shooting range in New York. Our last single “Greece is a Country, Grease is Not” did nothing. Even with the payola boys pushing it up the charts. Stayed there for like three whole minutes then shot off into space. I’m thinking of launching a new two piece called The Step Ladders. Straight up Gangsta Polka all the way. I’m also working on a solo project called Single Scoop. The Beatles are history but you can listen to our entire catalog on YouTube. I go on and dislike my own stuff periodically just to keep things honest.
Question 4: What is your favorite Nickleback song?
Answer:
Wow, that’s a tough one, so many to choose from. I guess it would be “Gay for the Stay.” I thought that song was really ground breaking in a lot of ways. The entire “Drop the Soap” album is though. No wonder it went 400 times platinum. There just aren’t many truly authentic talents around like Nickelback. Most people are listening to cheap imitations or professional hacks like Led Zeppelin, Jimi Hendrix, David Bowie or watered down kinds of their ilk. The Stones stole Nickelback’s “Wild Corsets” and renamed it after farm animals so people would think of Orwell instead of Nickelback. I heard Pavarotti and 2Pac are going to do a cover of Nickelback’s “Queefers Won the War” which should be epic! I can’t wait to see what those crazy Canuck boys come up with next.
Question 5: Have you ever used maple syrup as lubricant?
Answer:
I have, but it gets quite sticky. Wonderful for edible panties though. I chew them off all my stuffed animals, we are very close.
Question 6: When you watched Good Will Hunting did you Hope Matt Damon and Ben Affleck would kiss like I did?
Answer:
It’s the only thing that was missing from that movie, other than a giant killer Squid call INKBLOT. But yes, I certainly thought they would stop fighting in the basketball court scene and start making out against the fence to trick the cops. Then Will wouldn’t have had to go to jail at all and him and Chuckie could have really expressed their feelings. Southie needs more love. And double burgers. They could have also gotten together in the batting cage when Matt Damon was throwing his balls at Ben Affleck’s face. The sexual tension was palpable. I don’t know how Roger Ebert sat through that without sticking his hot buttery Q-Ray bracelet in Gene Siskel’s ear and whispering sweet critiques to the Akashic record.
Question 7: Who do you think is the hottest male actor ever?
Answer:
Gotta go with Nemo, especially when they found him. Something about every scene being a nude scene because you are a fish and don’t wear clothes is really hot to me. It’s a shame his career ended when Manhattan foodies turned him into high end sushi. I would have liked to see him play Goose in the Top Gun remake where Goose swims back up to the surface and gives Mav the thumbs up for chasing the Russkies off so cheeseburgers can live freely. I’m such a fanboy of Nemo. I have his poster on the wall over my bed. Sometimes I lick it for luck.
Question 8: What is your favorite scene in the original dirty dancing film with Patrick Swaysee
Answer:
When Patrick Swayze becomes a ghost that can carry watermelons. Either that, or when he dresses up as a waiter and tells that jerkoff that “nobody puts gravy in a corner.” Everybody knows you keep it in the middle of the table to avoid spilling but that asshole wouldn’t budge. I thought the lift scene in the water with Baby was stupid. Nemo was a fish and would have done a much better job.
Question 9: Do you think I can find the man of my dreams through my horoscope?
Answer:
It can’t hurt. I think you can find a man wherever Adam’s apples are picked like noses, that’s what I always say. I would suggest just going down to your local YMCA and slapping strange men on their bare asses with a wet towel to see who complains the least. That’s a sign of compatibility to me. Any man who will take a wet towel across the rump from a complete stranger and then ask him to dinner is cool with me.
Question 10: As a technical wizard cowboy of the north what computer would you recommend to go skiing in the Swiss alps with?
Answer:
Definitely not a Dell. I bowled one down the black diamond moguls once and the results were not pretty! Probably a Toshiba or Hewlett Packard if I was you. Acer’s are the only brand of computer that naturally knows how to ski. But since you’re asking this technical wizard cowboy of the north, I assume you can ski and could teach an Acer easily enough.
Question 11: What is the best beer to drink during a serial killer spree with a bear named Tinker bell? Also who the fuck riding the unicycle?
Answer:
Budweiser is the king of beers, but kings are abdicating all the time…they have no staying power. Might I suggest a nice Pilsner or pale ale to coax your furry lumbering Tinkerbell out of hibernation? It’s really a matter of personal taste my fair Squire. Find the one that makes you feel like a sexy blood clot and you are good to go. Conor McGregor is riding the unicycle. He is a good enough cage fighter, but he needs to work on his cardio.
Question 12: What is the best book that you’ve ever written?
Answer:
Probably The Old Man and the Sea. I had Nemo in mind for casting the whole time when I was writing it. And Dumbledore for the old man. I figured the ocean could play the sea if we couldn’t get the sea on board. I hear the sea is difficult to work with. People talk.
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