Inside The Crack House With Jesse Lynn Rucilez

Question 1: How do you keep your scalp so sexy Sir Jesse?

Answer:
Ah, well, the key is to shave as close as possible, and channel my inner sexiness through my skull.

Question 2: Which supper hero has the smallest dick of all time?

Answer:
Tough question, but without consulting Stan Lee, I’m going with Puck from the Canadian superhero team: Alpha Flight.

Question 3: Could you explain how you play the mandolin in Hawaii while your wearing a stained kilt?

Answer:
Well, having never been to Hawaii, never having learned to play mandolin, and not owning a kilt, I’m not the most qualified person to ask…so I’ll just say, very carefully.

Question 4: Do you enjoy to wear your black belt and nothing else?

Answer:
Only on Saturday nights.

Question 5: I demand that you tell how to catch woodland critters in my back yard!

Answer:
My advice to you, Mr. Simmons, would be to smear honey all over your body, lie down in your backyard to draw the critters close, then anesthetize them with your drug of choice. Either that, or go full-on Bill Murray in Caddyshack.

Question 6: Sir John Patrick Robbins would like to know when dressing in drag what kind of heels do you prefer? Is it nice stilettos or boosts and which footwear is the most appropriate for a showdown at the O.K. Corral?

Answer:
Well, for Mr. Robbins’s information, stilettos are always the way to go. As for footwear at the O.K. Corral, I’d have to go with a good pair of Nikes, because when the Clanton boys start shooting, I—like Dennis Hopper in Apocalypse Now—am fuckin’ splitting, Jack.

Question 7: Sir John Patrick Robbins would also like to know what dark magic rituals do you like to participate in before writing? 

Answer:
I hate to disappoint Mr. Robbins, but my rituals are just like any other writer’s, I’m afraid. A little human sacrifice, self-flagellation, imbibing the spinal fluid of my enemies, reading from the Necronomicon. You know, the usual.

Question 8: Which golfer is sexier Arnold Palmer, Phil Mickelson, or Mike Tyson?

Answer:
Mike Tyson, without question. Although I have to say that I find golf utterly boring. I much prefer bowling with human skulls.

Question 9: Who is more sinister Richard Ramirez or Teddy Ruxpin and which one would you cuddle with?

Answer:
Teddy Ruxpin is evil beyond measure. Still, I’d rather cuddle with Ruxpin than Ramirez; mainly because Ramirez gives Satanists a bad name.

Question 10: Do you have any thoughts about the Power Rangers heroin addiction?

Answer:
What? I thought they did meth…

Question 11: How often do you go skiing in the Mojave Desert in tightly fitting spandex?

Answer: 
About once a year, at the height of summer, naturally.

Question 12: John Cena has requested for your personal information may I pass on your email, phone number, and social security number to him?

Answer:
Sure.

Question 13: Does the Ultimate Warrior watch you in the showers too?

Answer:
Not after I had a looong talk with “The Gods.”

Question 14: Lets play a game just finish the lines A B C and turn out the lights.

Answer:
Ha! Not falling for that one…

Question 15: What is the key to blocking out your mental emails from the government is it a tin hat or something else?

Answer:
Seriously, the only way to stop govern-mental emails is to remain in a state of what I call “hyper-functional self-hypnosis” between the hours of nine a.m. to five p.m., Monday through Friday. All wearing a tinfoil hat does is make you look foolish.