1)When you first wore black fingernail polish, what was it like to sell your soul to the Devil and how would you rate your experience? (He totally fucked up my order and gave me a Stephen King book when clearly I can’t read!)
Well, selling my soul to the Devil has always been nothing but a pleasure. He’s a real gentleman. In fact, I think I went onto marry him since I now have a Lucifer cross tattooed on my left ring finger. Just saying. My mom was pretty horrified. She made me listen to Dr. Laura (I think?) on the radio who was explaining that black fingernail polish is “the first sign” and then went on about witchcraft and Satanism. Which is funny because real Satanists don’t even believe in Satan – they’re actually atheists, but whatever. 10/10 would recommend.
P.S. Amazon fucked up your order, but you should learn to read. Lucifer loves reading and hates Capitalism.
Hail Satan.
2 )Theoretically, how much would it cost to have a small sample of your DNA that will NOT be used in a highly illegal top secret government project to clone Fat Elvis, who you also totally would NOT fuck?
I won’t even give my DNA to 23 and Me and I WANT to do that. I don’t want the government to frame me for a murder which you KNOW after The West Memphis Three they totally can.
3)If you could press a magical button for Jackie Chan to fart on anyone in the world at any time, who would you pick and why?
Ivanka Trump because she’s a fake ass bitch. Don’t fucking talk about how you’re going to use your position in the White House to advocate for women when Daddy big bucks is a gross misogynist. Listen, Donald Trump is hilarious. Not a great president, but hilarious. His daughter, however, is a bitch.
4) So whenever a parent picks up their kids from school, how exactly are they supposed to put them back down? Will they need a ladder or just some encouragement and a WD40?
As a parent, I don’t know anything about how the public school system works. I’m a working single mom. My daughter gives me Father’s Day presents because she says I’m the best mom and the best dad in the world.
5) Explain to me why I should breathe oxygen instead of Crystal meth and paint fumes? Persuade me. Or if I shouldn’t, then tell me any activity I should do that somehow involves Jell-O?
Hi, in Utah our state dessert, or whatever, is green Jell-O. Which makes me an expert on all things Jell-O related and what I can tell you is this: It’s gross. The only thing I ever used Jell-O for was when I had deep in an eating disorder and I would drink sugar free Jell-O water for days to avoid eating anything. (10/10 would NOT recommend. If you’re thinking about doing this, get a therapist and a nutritionist.)
Um, as far as the other question goes.. probably don’t do anything with Crystal meth and paint fumes. If you’re going to do drugs, choose better ones that don’t destroy your brain.
6) I went to Shipley’s Donuts and I was wondering, what is your secret to being both delicious and filled with jelly? But more importantly, what flavor jelly is it? I need to know because, like, I’m totally not judging your for it.
First of all, is this secretly a comment about my ass?
Second, jam will always be better than jelly.
7) So if you had to get somebody out of the bathroom, would you rather use a shovel or a Justin Bieber album?
One time, my sister and I were driving in a blizzard in the middle of nowhere in south central Utah and we went over a bridge and the car started fishtailing and it was terrifying. So I was white-knuckling the steering wheel with these silent tears just STREAMING down my face and my sister was sobbing and she grabbed my leg and was like, “If we don’t die, will you go to a Justin Bieber concert with me?”
8)How can I pass out on your neighbor’s lawn naked after New Years while still being tasteful and sexy about it?
Oh, this is Mormon country. We don’t like anything about being naked or sexy.
9) If you could waste someone’s time in the most elaborate way possible, how would you want to do it? Please tell us your plans and, more importantly, who you’re really working for because if you’re a cop, you’re legally required to tell me if I ask my mom.
I would just show them TikTok video after TikTok video and I’m working, in the vaguest way possible, for the universe. You could call me a cop. Or you could not. Define cop. What is a cop really? Are we all not cops, as well as robbers, in the grand scheme of things? Ask yourself, what are you policing and why? Now let go. Breathe.
10) I once drank water and I also like kittens. How do you really feel about that?
Kittens are cute for like 10 seconds. Mostly they’re assholes because things that are babies are assholes. Cats, however, are great. Also, stay hydrated, bitch.
11)Also, why is belly button fuzz always blue?
I think that’s a question for your doctor because I do not share in this experience.
12) If you had to make up the meaning of life, what would it be and what would it smell like? The world must know the answer to this question before those bastards find my cheese.
There is no meaning to life. It’s all random, senseless chaos that we create meaning for because we are all just monkeys that have evolved juuuuust enough for our brains to torture us with our emotions.
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