Saturday, September 29, 2018

Inside The Crack House With Todd Cirillo

Question 1:
How would you describe your time as a Calvin Klein Model?

It was fantastic, I always got to cut to the front of the line but could never eat the appetizers.

Question 2:
Would you have sex with yourself in the mirror and can I watch?

I require a funhouse mirror. Makes my hands look bigger. It will cost you 5 tickets and you would have to meet the height requirement.

Question 3:
As a trucker have you ever rubbed your body naked on your rig a few times?

Have you never seen Smokey and the Bandit fuckface? It's a classic. Any true trucker knows all you need is weed, whites and wine...Little Feat told us that. Trucker motto: gas, grass or one rubs for free.

Question 4:
What are your thoughts on Peanuts in the Indonesian economy?

What does Charlie Brown have to do with Indonesia? The poor dude can never catch a break..whomp whomp.

Question 5:
Is it wrong to bring a Mariachi band to a funeral?

Not if there's fireworks and a two for one deal on the donkey show.

Question 6:
Are you more into Dona Summer or ABBA man? If so what is your favorite ABBA Jam to make sweet love to in the backwoods of New York city?

I'm more of a Chaka Khan fan.

Question 7:
What secret to your beautiful hands? Do you put lotion on the skin ?

My hands have provided me with a true gift of the gods. The Lords of Karma smiled upon my well crafted and versatile hands. I have been told by those in the know that they are both exceptionally gorgeous yet functional. Sometimes it is a curse because when I reach for the check or to pull a string on a ceiling fan the room stops and loses its collective breath. I just want the world to know that I didn't ask for this but am grateful I don't have the wretched corn husks of commoners. The secret is, if you can't have jazz hands, then have humble hands.

Question 8:
If squirrel had 4 nuts and another squirrel stole 2 nuts and a snake stole 1 nut how many nuts would that squirrel have left? Would it be different if he is married?

I don't do math.

Question 9:
John Patrick Robbins would like to know who is the most sexy Muppet? And if you get a blowjob from miss Piggy is it technically a hand job?


Janis from Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem. As to your second attempt at a question...technically it would be a ham job.

Question 10:
Why are you so distant from me after that divorce I had in my dreams? Am I just not pretty for you anymore asshole?

You were never what they describe as "pretty", I have heard you described as breadlike, rotting pumpkin face, forgetful, rashy, the embodiment of disappointment, shifty and kind eyes.

Question 11:
Sir John would also like to know if you were a roller derby girl what would your name be?

Funny you should ask, I was actually spotlight dance champion of Skateland, Pasadena, 1978. It is rare to find such a flawless yet bulldozer on wheels. My roller derby names are Daisy Dukes-up, T-wrecks.

Question 12:
Is it true that you are actually a werewolf that is trying to steal my job?

I actually wrote this poem about my werewolf inclinations recently:

Question 13:
Boxers or lamb skin loincloths? Can you send me any (unwashed preferably)?

Boxers...they compliment my extraordinary hands.

Question 14:
What is the secret to cheating at a dick measuring contest?

The secret to cheating at a dick measuring contest is to make sure the other contestants are eunuchs.

Question 15:
Would you want to go to the  drive in movies with me Saturday I have extra room in the trunk?

I only act out movies...never watch them from a trunk.

Bonus Question: 
Can you explain in 5 words or less what you think of freshly drying paint?

Don't mock me, paint.

1 comment:

  1. Finally - a Skilled interrogator gets Cirillo to spill his guts. Still not enough to issue a warrant, but you can feel the clock running on this low life swamp-rat ...


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