Inside The Crack House With Todd Cirillo

Question 1:
How would you describe your time as a Calvin Klein Model?

Answer:
It was fantastic, I always got to cut to the front of the line but could never eat the appetizers.

Question 2:
Would you have sex with yourself in the mirror and can I watch?

Answer:
I require a funhouse mirror. Makes my hands look bigger. It will cost you 5 tickets and you would have to meet the height requirement.

Question 3:
As a trucker have you ever rubbed your body naked on your rig a few times?

Answer:
Have you never seen Smokey and the Bandit fuckface? It's a classic. Any true trucker knows all you need is weed, whites and wine...Little Feat told us that. Trucker motto: gas, grass or ass...no one rubs for free.

Question 4:
What are your thoughts on Peanuts in the Indonesian economy?

Answer: 
What does Charlie Brown have to do with Indonesia? The poor dude can never catch a break..whomp whomp.

Question 5:
Is it wrong to bring a Mariachi band to a funeral?

Answer:
Not if there's fireworks and a two for one deal on the donkey show.

Question 6:
Are you more into Dona Summer or ABBA man? If so what is your favorite ABBA Jam to make sweet love to in the backwoods of New York city?

Answer:
I'm more of a Chaka Khan fan.

Question 7:
What secret to your beautiful hands? Do you put lotion on the skin ?

Answer: 
My hands have provided me with a true gift of the gods. The Lords of Karma smiled upon my well crafted and versatile hands. I have been told by those in the know that they are both exceptionally gorgeous yet functional. Sometimes it is a curse because when I reach for the check or to pull a string on a ceiling fan the room stops and loses its collective breath. I just want the world to know that I didn't ask for this but am grateful I don't have the wretched corn husks of commoners. The secret is, if you can't have jazz hands, then have humble hands.

Question 8:
If squirrel had 4 nuts and another squirrel stole 2 nuts and a snake stole 1 nut how many nuts would that squirrel have left? Would it be different if he is married?

Answer: 
I don't do math.

Question 9:
John Patrick Robbins would like to know who is the most sexy Muppet? And if you get a blowjob from miss Piggy is it technically a hand job?

Answer:
Janis from Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem. As to your second attempt at a question...technically it would be a ham job.

Question 10:
Why are you so distant from me after that divorce I had in my dreams? Am I just not pretty for you anymore asshole?

Answer:
You were never what they describe as "pretty", I have heard you described as breadlike, rotting pumpkin face, forgetful, rashy, the embodiment of disappointment, shifty and kind eyes.

Question 11:
Sir John would also like to know if you were a roller derby girl what would your name be?

Answer: 
Funny you should ask, I was actually spotlight dance champion of Skateland, Pasadena, 1978. It is rare to find such a flawless yet bulldozer on wheels. My roller derby names are Daisy Dukes-up, T-wrecks.

Question 12:
Is it true that you are actually a werewolf that is trying to steal my job?

Answer:
I actually wrote this poem about my werewolf inclinations recently:
http://thedopefienddaily.blogspot.com/2018/09/werewolves-of-new-orleans-by-todd.html

Question 13:
Boxers or lamb skin loincloths? Can you send me any (unwashed preferably)?

Answer:
Boxers...they compliment my extraordinary hands.

Question 14:
What is the secret to cheating at a dick measuring contest?

Answer:
The secret to cheating at a dick measuring contest is to make sure the other contestants are eunuchs.

Question 15:
Would you want to go to the  drive in movies with me Saturday I have extra room in the trunk?

Answer:
I only act out movies...never watch them from a trunk.

Bonus Question: 
Can you explain in 5 words or less what you think of freshly drying paint?

Answer:
Don't mock me, paint.