Inside The Crackhouse With El Bastardo

Question 1: Who do you think is the best lubricated cast member of Happy Days?

Answer:
Andy Griffith


Question 2: Can you truly be depressed on a slip n' slide? 

Answer:
I once lost a distant cousin due to tragic accident upon this overrated condom upon rooftop.

But he was distant cousin so I not really no him well enough to mourn.


Question 3: What is your advice on surviving in the brush of the Canadian wilderness if all you have is a G string and a crossbow?

Answer:
Dis very good question.

I have survived many years in Ontario my new home baseico.


You must ask yourself because you have captured the Tiger did you ever truly desire the Dragon.


Yes that answer I believe speaks in droves.


Question 4: Is it true that you are actually the lead singer of The Beach Boys? 

Answer:
I once was lead singer in Herb Albert's Tijauna Brass.


Question 5: Which two celebrities would you want to watch muddle wrestle over at the sandbox of my elementary school's playground?

Answer:
Dis also fantastic question.

Ivan The Terrible and Mr Ed.


Question 6: What's worse a clown with the clap or syphilis in a sitting President?

Answer:
I once strangled a squid with my bare hands dragging him from the oceans floor to prove he does exist he now hangs in museum of Mexican History.

And Apple Bee's drive through.


Question 7: What do you think is the best dressing for a tossed salad?

Answer:
Anything with senor Paul Newman's faceico on it.


Question 8: Are there any tips that you could give your readers when it comes to being a successful hostage negotiator on Sesame Street?

Answer:
To always buy low and sell high.

I know many secrets to investment banking and for minimal fee would be happy to represent you or any of your fine clients.


Question 9: How many voices in your head do you think are too many?

Answer:
I speak to many spirits on other side to rob gringos of there pesos for I is man of the people Ole.


Question 10: Who do you think will win the Cold War and what pizza toppings will be involved?

Answer:
I believe Alaska and with anchovies and chocolate sauce while beautiful soothing sounds of Cannibal Corpse plays in background.


Question 11: Do you have any thoughts about Kenny G. and his new band Pantera?

Answer:
I believe man who runs with donkey knows the truth of chasing ass.


Question 12: Is it true that your dick is a considered a dangerous weapon in at least 17 countries?

Answer:
Bastardo currently is working on his first book and will take best offer from sexiest publisher.


Question 13: What is the key of mastering the ancient and delicate art of Wet T shirt contests?

Answer:
Mucho maracas.


Question 14: How do you cope with being the most human perfect being on the planet?

Answer:
Dis very hard task.
Bastardo very lonely luchador.
But to protect Dis world I must remain in shadows to create art and wrestle other well oiled gringos.

Question 15: What is the true secret of obtaining true Immortality?

Answer:
The mask must be passed I am the 10th Bastardo.
Dis no lie or joke.


The mask has been worn by many.
And when my time has come to step from the ring so to will it be passed to another.


Dis just how it must be and shall remain.