Inside The Crack House With Bruce Hodder

Question 1
As an Englishman how often do you like to tea bag strangers at an airport?

Answer: I had to look tea bagging up to answer this. It’s well known I would put most things in my mouth in the search for personal gratification, but rarely at airports. I am afraid of flying.


Question 2
What is your advice for starting up a nudist colony at a modest budget in Peru?

Answer: Make sure you take plenty of sun cream. Be mindful of local sensibilities and wear clothes when you go to market. Not everyone wants to see your penis, however proud of it you are.


Question 3
Can you hop on one foot and punch Shia labeouf at the same time before he takes over the sweaty/delicious planet of California big titty knockers?


Answer: I tried this on my alcoholic Elvis-obsessed neighbour Ted before I answered,  just to see if I could do it, and I fell flat on my arse. Ted loomed over me laughing and said, ‘That’s karma for all the poems you’ve written about me, you fucking overweight dole-bludging nancy-boy hippie.’ On the whole, not one of my prouder moments.


Question 4
How do you like to mark your territory in the yard what is your secret?


Answer: I don’t have a yard, but I give off a particular and very distinctive smell. It’s a combination of patchouli oil, nag champa incense and poor hygiene. Usually that alone is enough to keep away badgers, foxes and friends.


Question 5.
What is your sacrifice to the family entertainer GG Allin and how does it taste?

Answer: I must admit, I had never heard of this man, being the gentle hippie soul that I am. Now I do know about him, I think I’d sacrifice a day of complete solitude in the country with occasional rain showers and a light, refreshing breeze. After all, he sounds quite grumpy. And how does that sacrifice taste? Better than chocolate.

Question 6
Do you have any thoughts on the space aliens probing me in the back of a white van and how they can do a better job?

Answer: I’m  puzzled as to why they’re doing it in a white van for one. Don’t they have a space ship somewhere? I’d also like to know why they’re probing someone involved in the poetry world, especially if the point is to get a better understanding of humanity in general. We’re nothing like that lot.

Question 7
How do you stay so damn sexy at 50? I could have sworn you were 29.

Answer: Who are you confusing me with? At my best I look like a rubbish bin full of cigarette butts and food waste turned upside down on an unmade bed.

Question 8
Is it true that people from England have 2 heads speak Spanish and break into homes at 3 am to perform strange satanic rituals with Ringo Star?

Answer: Actually, it’s rare for English people to speak more than one language, although I speak a smattering of French and know how to say ‘two beers please,’ in Spanish. I once asked Ringo to perform a strange Satanic ritual with me. He had me dragged into an alley and beaten savagely by two muscle men.

Question 9
Why don’t people love me after I sniff their butts and bark at them in the park?

Answer: Weird that, isn’t it? What happened to our sense of community? Don’t give up, Scott. One day somebody will want to sniff your butt too.

Question 10
If you could describe your book in 3 porn titles or less what would it be?

Answer: It took me nearly two weeks to think of the actual title. When I try to think of three more I feel dizzy.


Question 11
As the Philosopher Mike Tyson once said “Cogito ergo sum” so do you also agree with the idea of pissing on your neighbors carpet and then running into Starbucks naked to preach the word of Mr. Rodgers to hipsters?

Answer: I must say, I don’t really approve of going into Starbuck’s for anything except to protest against the strangulation of small businesses by corporations and the homogenisation of the high street. I don’t know who Mr Rodgers is. I don’t know if hipster means the same thing in the US either, but if it does I’d preach against beard sculpturing. Let your wildness express itself! As for urinating on carpets ... well, at my age, it’s an occupational hazard.


Question 12
Ron Murphy has a question.

Since my recent vanishing into the jungles of Indiana and capture by Somalian pirates.

How has you life been effected and is it difficult to get through the day.

And does it bother you to know Ron Murphy may still be alive somewhere in some prison camp.

And what is your plan of action in freeing run Murphy.

And do you plan on using you're wizard powers to form a rescue team and making this into three films?


And how does this effect production of you and Ron's new poetry tour across Europe?

And who is the opening band?


Answer: Ron, my thoughts often turn to you and distract me in social situations, like at supermarket checkouts and crossing roads. The thought that you are alive keeps me going. The possibility that you may be suffering is unendurable. Almost. But I manage. I can’t reveal my plan here, Ron. This is the technological age. They have internet in Indiana. Those pirates may be watching. Again I mustn’t say too much. But the movie deal is signed and we both have guaranteed walk-on parts in all three films like Stan Lee in the Marvel flicks.Don’t worry, Ron. We’re still good to go. I’m going to use my magic powers to revive Celtic Rasta from Northampton. Or the Scrumpy Bastards. I still say that’s the best band name ever. They were fun.


Also if you liked the interview please check out Bruce's book:
http://www.lulu.com/shop/bruce-hodder/the-journey-home/paperback/product-24163986.html